Betrayal Page 7

  “Please.”

  I handed the glass back, and he went off to refill it. When he came back in again, he had a tray in his hands with the bottles of vodka and orange juice on it.

  “Just so I don’t have to keep going in and out.” He grinned at me.

  “Sorry.” I smiled back, my cheeks going rosy.

  “Not a problem. So do you feel better now?”

  “Well, the drink’s helping.” I smirked, looking at my half-drunk glass of vodka and orange.

  “So, can I ask why you were crying?” He looked at me like you might look at a kitten that had injured its paw.

  “Jason rang me up again.”

  “Oh. So what happened to make you feel that bad?”

  “I asked him not to see that woman again and he went mad at me. I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”

  I finished my drink and put the glass down beside me.

  “If you want another, just help yourself. I think you need it, you seem to be in a bit of shock.”

  “Thanks.”

  I bent down and refilled my glass.

  “So do you think this mystery girl is more than a friend?”

  “I didn’t at first, but now I do.” We both went quiet. I took a few large gulps of my drink. “Russell, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure, shoot.”

  “When you saw them kiss, did it look like a friendly kiss? Or did it look like something more?”

  His hand went to his face and he ran it down over his stubbled chin as though he was wiping something off it.

  “To be honest, I wouldn’t like to say. I mean, I saw them kiss, that’s for sure. As for anything else, I really don’t know.”

  “Oh… Yes… Of course. I’m sorry for putting you on the spot.”

  “Hey, no problem. My loyalties lie with you, not him.”

  “Thanks.”

  I put my glass to my lips, and drank down the rest of the cool liquid. It was definitely doing its job. I was starting to get light-headed.

  “Look,” Russell said suddenly. “Forget him. He’s obviously no good. Cheer up, and have another drink.” He stood up, walked over to where I was sat, knelt down and poured until my glass was again full. “There.”

  Lifting it up, he pushed it into my hand. I looked at the imitation crystal glass, and thought of Jason.

  “Yeah, sod him!” I snapped. “He had his chance and he blew it!”

  I moved the glass to my mouth and drank. Every mouthful felt like a victory against Jason. So I just kept on drinking. When it was empty, I placed it back on the tray.

  “Slow down, girl. You’ll be on your back otherwise.”

  I looked up at him and started laughing.

  “Perhaps that might not be bad thing,” I snorted, and burst out laughing again.

  “Be careful what you wish for. It may come true.”

  That was a very sobering thought, so I calmed down slightly. My head was a little wobbly, but I still knew what I was doing.

  “Would you like another?” He tilted his head towards the empty glass on the floor.

  “Only a small one, please.”

  I sat there as if in a dream.

  “A penny for them?”

  “Huh?”

  “That’s what they say over here in England, isn’t it? ‘A penny for your thoughts?’”

  “Oh, yes. Sorry; I was miles away, then. I was just thinking about Sam. I wonder what she’s doing now.”

  “Well, you know Sam. She always has fun.”

  “Yes, the life and soul of the party. Never a care in the world.” We both went silent again. All I could think of was Jason and what a mess everything was. How could he mess everything up like this? I’ve ruined everything!

  I could feel the corners of my mouth turning down as I thought about it. Then, there it was again. Russell rushed over, sat down beside me, and handed me a tissue. “I’m so sorry. I just feel awful. I really liked him and now I’ve ruined it,” I sobbed.

  “Look, you’re upset, and for good reason. If he wasn’t willing to do that for you, then he’s just not worth it.”

  “Thanks.” I started to cry more.

  “Oh, geez. Come here.”

  He opened his arms and I huddled in tight to him. Smelling that familiar scent, I sighed.

  “Are you OK?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Then why did you sigh?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Sure it does. Tell me, please.”

  “It’s just that this is nice. I don’t get it very often.”

  His arm tightened around me. I knew that this was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself. I moved my face up until I could look into his eyes and our noses were almost touching. My heart pounded hard in my chest. His eyes were looking back straight into mine. From where my hand was, I could feel that my heart wasn’t the only one which had quickened in rhythm. It seemed as if we were locked in that pose forever. Then suddenly, he dived in and kissed me.

  Our lips felt as if they were on fire. It was a fierce longing for each other. His hands started to move from my waist to my face, as if to hold me where I was, but I wasn’t moving anytime soon. I, in turn, did the same. Then his hands were moving again. This time, lower than my waist. This was amazing. I’d never known passion like this before. It was so intense! I couldn’t get enough of him. So many emotions were rising to the surface. I felt as if I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. Instead I moved on top of him, in a straddling position. His hands went to my buttons on my top and started to undo them. He got to the third button and I realised if he did this then there wasn’t any going back for us.

  I grabbed his hand, held it to my breast and tilted my forehead against his.

  “I can’t. I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “Why not?”

  His voice and his breathing was heavy, and it just made me want him more.

  “I just can’t do this to Sam. I want to... I really want to, but I just can’t. I’m so, so sorry Russell.” I kissed him again, and moved away, doing up my top. “We can’t keep doing this. It’s no good for any of us.” I grabbed my bag. “I’ve got to go before she gets home.”

  Grabbing my wrists in his strong grip he looked up, imploring me.

  “Please don’t go, Beth. I need you.”

  I looked him straight in the eyes.

  “I can’t. I’m sorry. I’ll see you later.”

  I walked out the door. Turning round I saw his crumpled face. All could think was, That’s number two.

  How many more hearts could I break in 24 hours?

  CHAPTER 6

  Oh God, oh God, oh God! What had I done? What the bloody hell had I done? As I paced backwards and forwards in my living room, I didn’t know what to do. This was the worst thing that I had ever done in my entire life. What if Russell told Sam what we had done tonight?

  Was she storming ’round at this very second? What if she told Mum and Dad? I know for a fact that Mum would wipe the floor with me. Please don’t say anything, Russell! Please! I was willing it not to happen so much that my balled-up fists were losing feeling.

  Would Sam be home yet? I wondered. I looked at my watch. It was midnight. I was very tempted to ring him and ask him not to say anything. Just to make sure.

  As I went to pick up the house phone, my mobile started to ring. With my heart in my mouth, I walked over to my bag and reached in. With my hands starting to sweat, I picked it out of the bag. I could feel my mouth getting drier with every second that passed. When I looked at the glowing screen my fears turned to slight relief.

  “Hi, Russell,” I said with some anguish in my voice.

  “Hi, Beth. Look, I’m sorry for what happened.”

  You could feel the tension in his voice. It was sad that this had happened. Why couldn’t we stop this? It was crazy!

  “Please don’t apologise. It was me as much as it was you.”

  “I don’t know what got into me. I don’t normally act like
that, but when I’m with you something else just takes over.”

  “Well, neither do I. We can’t let that happen again, Russell. That’s twice too many. I mean, what’s wrong with us? We’re not kids.”

  “Sure.” His voice was so quiet, and far away.

  I felt awful. I had enticed him with my excessive drinking and flirting. Now, I was kicking him when he was down. I knew it was a mistake to go in his house from what happened before at the hospital.

  “I should never have come ’round, let alone come in when you asked me.” I started playing with a bottle top that was on the kitchen counter. I knew I was getting nervous when I did this. “I don’t want to hurt you, Russell; you know?”

  “Yeah, I guess, Beth.”

  “Please don’t tell Sam, Russell. I can’t lose her and I know I will if you do.” He suddenly was silent, which I didn’t like. Silence was never a good sign in my experience. “Russell, are you there?”

  “Yes.”

  “Please don’t tell me you’re going to. Please.” He was still quiet. “RUSSELL! Why aren’t you talking now? You’re scaring me!”

  “Beth, I’m sorry. I don’t know if I can promise you that.”

  “What do you mean ‘you don’t know’?”

  “I have a lot of feelings for you, Beth. A lot of strong feelings, and I don’t know if I can lie to Sam anymore.”

  I had a sick feeling in my stomach and a lump in my throat.

  “Please, Russell, please don’t. I’m begging you.” The lump was starting to hurt now. I couldn’t cry down the phone to him, but it was too late. I couldn’t see clearly anymore and I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks.

  “Please, Russell,” I pleaded with my mouth quivering. I pulled a tissue from my pocket and wiped my eyes. The lump was still hurting.

  “Don’t cry, Beth. I’m only saying that it’s not fair to Sam, being kept in the dark. I’m not doing it to hurt you.”

  “Russell, if you have any feelings for me then you won’t say anything.” The tears were still coming. I got another tissue.

  “Look, I’ll make you a deal.”

  “What, I’m willing to listen to anything.”

  “If you meet me tomorrow at seven to talk, then I won’t say anything. OK?”

  “Talk? What’s there to talk about Russell?”

  “We didn’t have time to talk about what happened properly because you ran off.”

  “I think you know why.”

  “Yes, of course, but there are things that I have to ask and tell you. Things I’m not going to say over the phone. I need to see you face to face.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because every time we get together, Russell, things happen. I can’t risk that again.”

  “Nothing will happen. I promise. I just want to talk. Please, Beth.”

  My mind was working overtime. I didn’t know what to say to him. On one hand, if I went, then I would have to risk something happening again. On the other hand if I didn’t, then I would have to risk him maybe telling Sam.

  “I don’t know what to do, Russell.” I glanced at my watch. It was now one. “We had better finish this conversation. Sam will be in soon, won’t she?”

  “Probably, yeah. Look, just meet me and then you can go.”

  “For God’s sake, Russell. We’re playing a dangerous game. I can’t risk losing Sam.”

  “Then meet me! She’ll never have to know. I need to see you. Hang on a minute.”

  There was nothing for a few seconds. I started chewing my bottom lip. I didn’t realise how hard I was doing it until I tasted blood in my mouth. What was taking him so long! Then, as if he was on the same frequency as my thoughts, he came back on.

  “Sam’s back! Look—meet me tomorrow at the café at East Bridge Road, OK?”

  “Russell!”

  “Please?”

  “Yes, all right.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow. ‘Night Beth.”

  “ ’Bye.”

  The line went dead. I replaced the receiver slowly. My head was spinning, and my eyes were bleary. I was extremely tired, and I wasn’t thinking straight. I probably hadn’t been all day. At this moment in time, I was sure of one thing, I needed to go to bed! I couldn’t wait to go to bed but I heard my mobile beep. I picked it up. I had received a message.

  Please be there tomorrow!

  I shook my head. What had I got myself into?

  The next morning, I got up and it was raining outside. I only had two ladies today, which was good. I rushed through them and dashed home. After my shower, I looked out of the window. Maybe the rain had stopped. No such luck! I think the saying is “raining cats and dogs.” Also, my head was no clearer today, than it was last night. So much for sleeping.

  I looked through my wardrobe trying to decide what to wear. Should I dress casual as if it’s just another day? Should I dress smart to feel in control? Or in my joggers and trainers to show him that he had interrupted my daily ritual?

  I might get away with dressing as if I were going out somewhere for drinks with friends. I had to ask myself one question, though: why the hell was I fretting over what I was going to wear? Time was ticking on, so I put on the first thing I had seen. Before I left, I had a couple of quick shots of vodka. It was probably not the smartest decision, but my hands were shaking violently.

  This meeting was just to stop Russell from telling Sam. I got into my car and sat there for a minute staring into space. Right then, I understood that I had never before felt such overwhelming sadness. On one hand, I had something I very badly wanted, but could never have. On the other, I had something that was so precious, I could never lose it. One had to out balance the other in the end, and there was no competition. I shook myself out of the trance and drove.

  When I arrived, I got out and turned the key in the door locking it. Walking to the place we had agreed to meet, I started to feel nervous. My heart was beating hard in my chest, and my palms were becoming sticky. I felt a little sick, too. All around me, people were happy and laughing and talking in their little groups. I wished that I could be doing that right now.

  I rounded the corner and there he was. Tall and handsome. As soon as he saw me, he smiled. I saw his broad shoulders relax. He’d obviously thought I wasn’t going to come, but this was too important.

  The smile never faded from his mouth. I turned the corners of my mouth up. That was all I could manage at the moment.

  As I reached him, he held his arms out towards me. I shook my head. “Please don’t. You said we would just talk.” He lowered them back down. Pain was etched in his face. I didn’t think I could feel any worse, but I now knew I was wrong.

  “Do you want to get a drink?” His voice was still wonderful, but this time there was a hint of melancholy to it.

  “Yeah. OK,” I said. I could do with another drink, my nerves were definitely frayed.

  We walked together in silence. I could smell his aftershave in the wind. It made my insides sink. I tried to focus on something else. I saw some kids playing in the small park across the road. It was good until it reminded me of Sam and me when we were little. Then that same feeling came across me again. I put my head down, and kept on walking. All I wanted to do in that short journey was grab and hold him. To never let go; not for anybody.

  Russell stopped walking and opened the restaurant door for me. I thanked him and walked through. We picked a table at the back of the room so we could talk better. I thanked the gods there was background music onto fill any long silences we might have.

  “You sit down, and I’ll go get the drinks,” he said. I just smiled as best as I could. “What do you want to drink, Beth?”

  “Just a coke, please.”

  He smiled slightly and walked off to get the drinks. I sat down on the bench. Looking around our booth, I noticed the walls were covered in pictures. They seemed to be pictures of different scenery. They suited the surroundings. I drummed my nails on the wooden
table, waiting for Russell to return. I had expected the seat to be hard when I looked at it the first time, but it had a velour-covered padding over the top of it. It was very comfortable. The place was actually quiet. I was glad about that. It was a good choice.

  I sat there trying to pass the time, as though it was a normal dinner date, for about five minutes. I was mainly wondering what to say to him, and worried what he might have to say to me. He came walking back with the two drinks in his hands. He placed the glasses down and slid into the booth opposite me. His movements were always so fluid. I looked up into his eyes. Clear, and joyous to behold. His face stayed still. Not through anger. I think he was too scared to make any movements, in case I said anything else to him to put him in his place again.

  I looked down at my drink. I listened to the ice cubes clink on the sides of the glass, watched the beads of water run down the outside, drying to make a water mark on the table. I looked up when I saw Russell looking at me from the corner of my eyes. I cleared my throat.

  “Sorry, I was in a world of my own.”

  He smiled a little.

  “That OK. I like to watch you.” My mouth turned down, as though he had offended me. He hadn’t, but I didn’t want to stray off course. We sat there in complete silence for a while, until one of us broke it.

  “Bethenny,” he said. I looked up from my finger circling the top of the glass. His deep, dark eyes were unflinching as he carried on speaking. “I have been thinking about this all night.” He stopped and deliberated. “Well, if I’m being honest, I’ve been thinking about this longer than just last night. I have come to a decision.” I had no idea what he was going to say to me, but I kept listening. “I want to be with you.”

  I sat there not moving. I don’t even think I was breathing. Again, my head was swirling and my heart was pounding. Finally, I picked up my drink and took a mouthful. Swallowing it, I put the glass back on the table. I scratched my head.

  “What do you mean you want to be with me?” I knew in my head that this was a stupid question.

  “Ever since I first came to England and saw you, you’re all I ever wanted, and all I’ve thought about.”

  “But you’re with Sam.”

  “Yes, and after this, I will go back and end things with her.”